If you would have told me 10 years ago that at some point I would be writing about bipolar on the internet, I would have not believed you. I know that having lived my childhood and coming out the other side as delightfully suburban average, is nothing short of amazing.
So I opened the door to the topic.
Then I get a comment from a 15 year old and it’s like I’m back there. I feel compelled to say something to those kids who want direction. Who feel lost, unloved, and uncared for. This is for them.
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Dear kids of bipolar parents,
If you’re googling this topic at all, I’m going to assume that you’re old enough to start realizing that things aren’t adding up. Maybe you’re around 10 like I was. Maybe you’re older. Either way, you’re questioning what the hell is going on with your parent.
Maybe one day they’re nice as pumpkin pie only to turn on a dime into something that scares you.
You just don’t understand.
I came up with this saying that I say to myself to this day:
“If I understood it, then I would be it.”
Say it. Say it out loud. Repeat it.
Mental illness like bipolar is barely understood by professionals. You may never understand why your parent is the way they are.
Why are they irrational.
Why are they so uncaring.
Why are they so unattached.
Listen to me, it’s not about you. Their brain does not and will not work the way that yours does. And it’s sad. I know.
So what can you do to survive?
Decide to survive.
Decide that you are worth saving. You are worth living a life filled with whatever you want.
When you are young, you may feel like you are caring for yourself. And you may be. Make the best choices you can. Feel your decisions with every cell of your being. If you feel like you’re making a wrong turn in life, immediately turn back. You have to have your own back.
Stay in school. Do well in school.
I took a job in high school just so I was out of the house more. Do what you have to do to survive.
Look for good role models. Maybe you have a friend who has a stable family. What makes that family work, look for those examples.
Learn to love. Growing up without love makes one very hard and cold.
Open up to people who will listen without judgment. Even though you have your own back, look for those in your life that can offer even a little emotional support.
Learn to trust. Growing up with parents that you can’t trust becomes ingrained in who you are. I personally had a hard time with this one. Trust those who have your best interests in mind. This might take a while, even years to do.
Don’t stop believing that you can do it. Because you can.
If you understood it, then you would be it.
But you’re not. You’re you.
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Note: Please seek out professional help if you can.
Thank you for this.
I am 34 years old and have been going to therapy for 4 years and still trying to understand what I went through as a child of 2 bipolar parents.
I did so many of these things to survive. I learned that I could only trust myself and that I had to make some very clear and important decisions to make it to a successful adulthood. I participated in sports, spent all my time at my friends houses, and worked part-time in order to stay out of my house. I stopped feeling my emotions. While I don’t recommend becoming completely emotionally numb, it was about survival. I focused on how I was going to eat, to get to school, and to look out for signs for outbursts to avoid being present. I had a plan and I left home as soon as I graduated high school.
When I left home, I realized how much easier life became. I still have a lot of things to process. I am still learning to love myself. I am still learning how to know who is safe and who is not. I am still learning how to trust safe people and how to ask for help. I have started feeling again but I am learning to trust my own emotions. I have started becoming more assertive. Ultimately, I am becoming more comfortable with who I am.
The absolute most important thing is: I survived. Once you survive, the rest of your life starts and you can have the life you’ve dream of — the life you saw your friends have, and the life you decided would be amazing. I was so afraid of therapy but it has been the best thing I have ever done for myself.
For the parents with bipolar disorder, we know that not every person with the disorder is the same. We know that you do not intend to hurt or confuse those around you, if that happens. The fact that you are commenting here shows that you are looking for more information and learning about your illness. That you don’t want to be the type of parent who your child needs to heal from. You are probably managing your symptoms much better than my parents could.
Talking about how I have been affected by parents of bipolar disorder is very, very difficult because I do not want to offend anyone with the disorder and that I know it’s not easy and it is so stigmatized. Please know that I am only speaking from my own experience and I am only here to understand my own pain and PTSD.
I am a bipolar parent and this article seems confusing to me. I hope that the next article can point out that not all people with bipolar disorder are suffering. My children are fully loved and I am fully functioning. I support them and seek the treatment and help that i need to be a parent. This article is sad because this seems to come from the perspective of a child that didnt have the parents that got help. This article stigmatizes and makes it sound like people with mental illness should just be dealt with. I was hoping this article had ways to talk to your child about mental illness and some symptoms but I feel only attacked. Remember that mental illness does not always harm and that even type 1 disorder can be okay. My children are not surviving hell they are flourishing with a very proud woman how happens to have a mental illness. Thank you for the perspective but please aim to break the stigma.
As a mom with bipolar with four teens/adults I struggled to read this to the end. It aches in my heart to know what my children must go/gone through. I worry daily they will “cut me off” or leave me out of their lives completely; as though I didn’t even exist. It’s very difficult because the older they get the less time I have to influence how they see me.
I work on staying/being better all the time but it’s only been in the past year that I’ve mostly overcome extreme emotional reactions. I take many medications and go to therapy but it’s still not enough sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I am from Guatemala and I’ve been recently diagnose with Bipolar. It has been really difficult for me because people think I’m crazy or that I react from happiness to madness in a minute and it is not the way the condition works, I’m a single mom and dealing with my 9 and 11 year old girls and it is really hard because I’m not always on my best mood and then I feel guilty because they are my only reason to live. With this condition I’ve been thinking in taking my life away since I was 11 so…. it has been really hard for me ever since and for me and I know that they must feel really bad when they see me sad lay on the bed without them to have the chance of doing anything for me because I just feel sad. They take care of me and I often think that I should be the one taking care of them and people in here, they just don’t understand that you (even taking medicines) can`t control your brain. This article has helped me really well telling my girls that I do love them and that I am empathy on regards of the way they must be feeling with my bipolar too. Thank you!
love this it explains me and how my kids must of felt growing up with me i did not find out i was bipolar till my late 50 but i lived it my whole life…
As the parent of a bipolar child, this touches my heart..she has 2 children..I help care for them, I want them to have a routine and love, care and safe home. I also want to see my daughter get healthy..I try so hard to help them all. Thank you for writing this!
Wondeful to see someone write about this. My husband was diagnosed as bipolar recently. Although the symptoms have been present for many years. Now that we know what it is my biggest concern is helping the kids understand and making sure they are ok. It is a constant effort to help him and try to keep up with the needs of the kids.
I’m 54, now. I grew up in a single parent household. My mother has bipolar disorder but only admitted to it after I confronted her over her treatment of my daughter. I have hydrocephalus (brain damage, unrelated) and my entire childhood I was blamed for my mothers emotional state, it was my fault she was depressed, angry, exhausted, etc. My younger sister could do no wrong. I was sent to stay with different relatives/family friends to give my mother a break. When I was home, she would literally follow me around the house yelling at me and criticizing me for chores I had not performed to her satisfaction, hour after hour. To say I suffer sour grapes is an understatement. My mother is actually surprised that I don’t call her or want any contact with her, ?.
My daughter has also been diagnosed with the disorder, though not as server.
Thank you for this.
As a person diagnosed bipolar about a year ago this breaks my heart. I can relate to how it would be extremely hard as a child to have to try and understand someone else’s troubles. On the other hand this makes me so fearful to have my own children. To not be able to show them the love and care I want to when I’m in a depressive state. I only hope that one day this disorder can be better understood and easier to “fix” and I hope that all you children understand that even if it wasn’t shown, I am sure your bipolar parent loved you like no other.
I have to piggy back on what ltw said. I too am a bipolar parent with 2 boys whom I love unconditionally. I work full time and believe me it is very difficult sometimes to be ” normal” in our standards of today’s society.However, I do it and try not to be another stereotype of a person with bipolar. I believe my mother is an un diagnosed bipolar person even though it is in her family. Ifeel I understand where many are coming from with the struggles in childhood. I am almost 45 and remember dealing with very similar stories in my childhood. I just want to say there is help and hope. People don’t have to stay in the closet anymore.
Thank you ! I just turned 40 .. Still dealing with everything you described as we speak my days are filled with uncertainty .. But I try to stay mindful of my many blessings .. And knowing I’m not alone brings tears to my eyes .. Thank you very much for sharing
Peace and God Bless
glad I found this! I’m over 40 and still need to hear it. My mom thought I de friended her on FB today (I did not) and it set her off. Fun times. As she ages I feel guilty that we don’t have a better relationship…but at what cost to me? And my mental health?
Great post.
I found this website a few months ago…..I am an only child with a bipolar parent currently in therapy trying to sort my childhood out. My father was a military man, he had to cope with my Mom and that left just me to fend for myself. I read this article out tonight to my therapist-he said, this could have been you writing this to your younger self………..it’s a good feeling to know I am not on my own….thank you.
As a bipolar father of a six and a half year old, I take some exception to this. I think it’s important to note that not all bipolar parents are like this. I love my daughter fiercely and tell her so constantly. My wife and I are incredibly open with her. We explain my condition and continually repeat it’s not her fault. The most difficult thing is when she thinks she has my “brain problem” because she’s crying over something. It’s those times that we have to be open and honest the most so that she realizes that everyone has the right to be happy or sad or mad or anything and just because you experience feelings doesn’t mean you’re bipolar. I often feel guilty that my daughter has to go through her childhood with a bipolar father but I do what I can to damn well make sure I’m the best father I can be when I’m able to.
Thank you for your comment. I understand that not every child of a bipolar parent goes through the same experience. You sound like a great father and should be proud of the efforts you make.
i assumed all people with bipolar were destructive monsters because my mother was. someone should’ve told me why before i was 16.
Love it and recognised it. thanks
This is beautifully written and I know you are impacting lives with your words today!
Yes. Hugs and tears. Love you.
Thanks for doing this, Jen..
I know it will help someone, and I’m glad you’re able to write about it, Jen.
Very well written. I’m sorry you had to write this because someone else is hurting, but I’m glad you did. I hope it helps someone along the way.