Once in a while I come across a post, status, or tweet that makes me stop cold.
It’s like I’m reading it as my 9 year old self.
Depression.
Bi-Polar.
Anxiety.
Sometimes the writing makes me feel helpless. Sometimes it makes me feel sad. Sometimes I am able to be present and just want to reach out and hug that person.
It’s ok.
Someone is listening.
Someone is here for you.
Often, these people are moms.
I am too familiar with the above diseases. My own mom is on the more severe end of bipolar. Her life has been filled with marriages (3), divorces (3), in patient psychotic stays, many half way houses, and 2 rounds of electro shock therapy years apart, all types of therapies, and all the drugs in the world. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, multiple personalities, anxiety disorders, and just about every other mental condition.
I read that list and know that by having a parent with these serious mental shifts has affected me. Molded me. Taught me to behave a certain way.
I am fiercely independent, have a desire for control over just about everything, competitive, and am very doubtful and mistrusting of others.
Oh, and hella funny.
Would I still be these characteristics if I didn’t have such an upbringing?
I often wonder if my own mom was scared that her children would inherit her mental illness. Did these thoughts cause her to become unattached to me or was that just part of her illness as well.
As an adult, I have many questions. Questions that will probably never be answered. Questions that I will take with me to my death.
And then I see these mom’s online with their children. Do those children have questions?
Why is mom in bed this month?
Why did mom leave in the middle of the night again?
Why does mom cry so much?
Why does mom go to the hospital so much?
Why doesn’t my mom give me hugs or tell me she loves me?
Did I ever make my mom proud?
I want to tell those moms that no matter what, don’t hide. Be open. If you can’t explain what is going on, find someone who can. Find the thing that makes your kids laugh, do that often. If you have to leave, tell them. Hug your children. Tell your children you love them even if you don’t feel it because some questions shouldn’t have to be taken to the grave.
________________________________________________
I want to mention that as I sat down to write this I stuck in my headphones. I always have to write with headphones. It helps my chaotic brain focus. I know. Makes no sense. Focus with more stimulus? Yes. Anyways, I must have left Pandora on from earlier and as I put them on the song “Fu*king Perfect” is on by Pink. A sign? I think so.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. I grew up in a house with a BiP mother. Spent most of my childhood walking on eggshells in case mom should lose her temper. Always telling us she was going to leave us, packing her bags and leaving them by the door. Not surprising that I’m not married. You have to have too much trust for that. It takes me a long time to trust people and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I lost my father, who I was extremely close to, she couldn’t even show me sorrow and compassion. It’s such a self-absorbed illness, it’s never about the children always about the parent. I thank God every day that my she and my father were divorced and he spent 31 years with a wonderful woman. Even now at 46 she’s still a challenge I have to deal with every day. Will she be severely depressed today, hyper-focus on inane things or be hostile and mean. I know it’s her illness, but I have an extreme amount of anger toward her. I hate to say it but I won’t miss her when she’s gone. As a daughter and a human being the guilt over thinking this is overwhelming.
I’m 20, my mom was highly bi-polar. She passed away from lung cancer Nov. 2nd 2012. I adopted my 8 year old sister recently & she has so many questions that I don’t know how to answer about mom, I think we’ll go along with whatever she herself thinks until she’s old enough to understand that mom was too mentally-ill to really raise her, That she was sick even before the cancer. She was cold, really nasty my whole life- I moved in with my dad at 12 because she became a drunk and was no longer stable, left me with a baby and would be gone partying for days. She left the world the same way she was in it- very rotten. I read your post & cried. I haven’t cried for her loss yet, I think I lost her when I was a little girl, maybe she never existed as I needed her. I wanted to thank you for writing your post. I think a part of me will always be a little girl hoping she would want me, you know? And I think I just really realized that.
It just occurred to me, after reading this, that I don’t know why I haven’t had an open dialogue about my BiP with my child. Why haven’t I been open about it? It just seemed like it was the “best” thing to do… To keep it hidden. Which is just ridiculous! Thank you for sharing, the perspective of a child growing up with this is important to know.
You ARE hella funny. And hella generous.
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Thank you for writing that post. That was very brave. I keep writing and deleting sentences – not sure if I want to say the next part. How much to share, you know? *sigh* My DH has bouts of depression – which turns him into a grumpy, mean SOB – and he is possibly bi-polar. It affects our family immensely sometimes. I wonder how my children will be affected. I try to be the solid & consistent parent for them. I was crying softly last night as I was doing dishes (after a rash of shit from DH) and my 10 year old came over, hugged me, and said, "Did he hurt your feelings again?" That? That awareness? Kills me.
BTW, I have to listen to music to concentrate as well.
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I also grew up with a bi-polar mom, with borderline tendencies. I agree wholeheartedly with your recommendations–so much of my childhood, I thought I was the crazy one. Bad. Damaged. Because I couldn't keep my family organized and together. I couldn't keep my mother happy enough.
Thank you for this honest writing.
i FEEL THE SAME WAY! I constantly think I am the one that has the mental illness, but have been assured by many a psychiatrist that I am not. My mother is BiP and has been for some time. She is also abused mentally, physically and emotionally by my father who is possibly (he refuses to get tested) hyperactive. I understand the distractions to focus more as I am an adult with ADHD, but I want to know what made you think you were the crazy one? I think that all the time because SHE tells me that I am the crazy one and need to be on meds just because she says so. I get called a fat pig, my husband is an idiot, my kids are not raised properly, the list goes on and on. I think I have stumbled over a blog that I belong in. Please help me understand myself.
As a mother, my greatest fear has been passing on my issues from my own childhood and even more so my own diagnosis. I was diagnosed with BiPolar 1 almost 13 years ago. I have been non-episodic for almost 11 years but my biggest fear is that my daughters will inherit this disease. Being that I am non-episodic, my daughter's have never known me in my mania and I'm not prone to the depression, more the irritability. I live every single day that I am non-episodic like a gift and am fully aware that I need to make the most of my daughters' childhood. I am present and I love my girls fiercely, as I am sure that your mother did you. Unfortunately, as you know all too well, when you are at your worst these diseases take up all the space in your head and make it feel impossible to see outside yourself sometimes.
You are a survivor. You have taken a difficult, probably nearly impossible situation for a child, and you have grown passed it and in spite of it. I wish I could give the little Jennifer a hug. You are amazing and thank you for sharing such a personal story. They can only truly be told in perspective by those who have lived through them.
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I grew up with a mother who had various mental illnesses and disorders too.
This book has been such a comfort to me: http://www.amazon.com/Motherless-Daughters-The-Le… It addresses not only mother-loss resulting from death but also illness and addiction. I would lend you mine but you wouldn't be able to read it with all the notes and highlighting I've done on the pages.
xoxo
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Thank you for sharing that. And hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a good to have a reminder that it is better to be open with my child about what is happening than to try to hide it from her. Those conversations are so very hard (because hiding is what I do best on dark days) but important. I'm sorry your mom was not able to have them with you.
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As a mom of a preschooler and a toddler, I am constantly worried that one of the two of them will inherit my bipolar disorder. The statistics say that they each have a 50% chance, so to me that means that at least one of them will. The only saving grace is that since I've "been there, done that" with my treatment, and am now in a good place with my mental health, I have all of this knowledge that we can use to our advantage if they ever do show signs of the illness. I do look forward to discussing my mental health history with them when they are old enough to understand it. At this point in their lives, only my 3.5 year old is at that stage where he understands that if mommy doesn't get her "quiet time" at some point during the day, she can sometimes get upset easily. I try to explain to him that I need a break during the day just like he needs to take a nap during the day to regain his strength to finish out the rest of his day. I think he's started to get that, at least for now. That's enough for me right now. Thank you for writing this, and for being so open and honest.
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Thank you for sharing such a hard but important part of you. I have written a few times about how I worry about my kids inheriting these things from me and about how they see me. I am very open and loving so I hope I show them that you can persevere.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s so important. You’re definitely a funny, independent, competive and awesome person.
So, I wrote a post last week about some addiction going on in my fam. The Addict in the story also has bipolar. She is the copy of the person you wrote about w a 16 yr old Offspring. The entire situation is sad beyond sad. I needed your perspective to know that you CAN come out of the other side a successful person. To me, you are a success. Thank you.
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Sometimes I think parents try to protect their kids from the truth, when what they really need to be is open and honest. I'm very thankful that I had a mother that was always up front with me. Sometimes not in an age appropriate manner, but that's a different story. I'm completely up front with my kids. We don't have an issue like this, but there is always stuff, and I have a worrier. It helps to let them know that they are part of the family decisions, that they are loved, that we are all doing the best we can, and that we will always take care of them no matter what.
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Usually, your honesty makes me laugh. Today, it’s making me think. Always, it makes me glad to have you in my life (mostly through Twitter, but my reasons to visit Chicago are increasing). Thank you.
As a mom of 2 little ones, who suffers from bipolar? Thank you. I … Crying. Thank you.
Awesome post. It saddens me how stigmatized mental illness still is in this country. My two sons have it in their blood and all I can do is hope and pray they can tackle whatever they are given.
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By being so open and honest, you will help others. Hugs, my friend.
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This is me exactly, and it runs in the family. I often feel the distance and then look at my daughter and hope she’s always happy. My mother is in the hospital again as I type this. It breaks my heart.
I'm so glad you shared. Living with a person who has bipolar disorder is not easy. I can't say what it's like to actually have it, but I know that living with a husband/mom/dad/etc with it is a very hard thing. I'm so glad you opened up. This is a wonderful post.
Thanks for sharing this post. My dad has had depression for as long as I have known him and it's definitely changed how I interact with the world. Control freak? Check. Competitive? Yep. Independent and don't want to rely on others? Definitely. Thanks for sharing. You're not alone.
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I'll probably never know what or how many mental illnesses my biomom could be diagnosed with. I know my grandfather was diagnosed with depression in his seventies, to which I yelled a big giant DUH!!!!! But my mother has never made any sort of attempt to be nice to me, let alone recover from whatever-it-is that's wrong with her. In her mind, it's still my fault for being born and there's nothing wrong with her.
I'm not sure there is recovery. There is management of the disease but even that is difficult, at best. Wish you lots of healing from your own journey. Hugs.
Oh Jen.
You are brave and I love you for that.
I am 100% full of anxiety that I have possibly passed my disorders on to my children, specifically Eddie (Charlie is too little to tell yet).
I can't even talk about it yet; it is too painful.
This post hits me in my heart places.
Love to you.
So much.
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Wow. Thank you, Jen. Coming from generations crippled by mental illness, I am thankful that it is something I can talk about with my parents. However never in a "what was it really like, dad?" and "how was grandpa different before the therapies and surgeries and drugs, mom?"
You are so wise. So real. Thank you.
Kac
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My mom has dealt with mental illness her whole life but it didn’t get really bad for us until about 1995 and then progressively worse. This “perfect storm” (they liked to call it) of her bipolar mixed with another medical issue has turned into dementia. It’s terrible & breaks my heart. But the hardest & most selfish thing of all is I worry if I’m going to be like her. What a shitty daughter to think that, right? But I can’t help it.
At this point, I know that I do not suffer from mental illness. This is a relief for me but then it torments me with my own children. My mom recently lived in a nursing home for mentally ill patients and I saw her condition worsen a lot. I am not clear if it's dementia, or drug induced memory issues.
Thank you for this post. I am not bipolar but I have struggled mightily with the effects of postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis. I know it affected my children to see me go through this part of life. I try to be open and honest with them, to answer their questions and reassure them that it has nothing to do with them. Your post reminds me that I need to be vigilant in keeping that communication open and ongoing with my kids. So thank you.
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I cant go into detail but I have a loved one who went through many of that minus the ECT. I have a family history of bipolar and depression. I relate to much of what you shared. Thank you.
This post came at a time when I've been dealing with mental health issues and the questions have started with my middle child. I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can with my children in hopes that I can help them understand and so that I can be MORE attached to them, rather than terrified I made the worst decision ever by being their parent.
Just being available for them to talk to is a great step. I never felt like I could ask or talk about it. Not sure if when I was growing up it was just more covered up or not talked about or what. It wasn't until I had taken a college psychology course did I start to piece things together on my own. The fact that you are open and willing to answer the best you can is good. And then give them a hug. Hugs are good.
This is beautiful – Thank you for writing. I can't speak to what it's like to have a bipolar parent. But as someone who spent several years with a terminally ill parent, pieces of this still resound with me. The communication is so important, even if you have to find someone else to talk with your kids. And telling your kids if you have to leave. As an adult, I have my own questions for which I will never have answers.
Wonderfully written.
Yep. I could have written this post. Change a few diagnoses, add in alcoholism, and you’ve described my childhood. I hope the availability of resources and communities online makes it easier for people and families of those struggling today, I have to think it does. Regardless, it’s not an easy row to hoe. But it is survivable.
You are the best and I adore you.
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Great post Jennifer. Coming from a long line of mental illness, I get it. Thank you for this post.
Hi I have bi-polar II, which if you know anything about the difference between one and two, I am like the appalachians and bi-polar 1′s are more like the Rockies. I haven’t been hospitalized but there is a story and it’s long. Upshot is that I wasn’t emotionally present for my kids, particularly my youngest when he was a baby up til about 4. I got medicated successfully then and since have been trying to catch up, so to speak. I worry a lot about what damage I may have done to their emotional stability. But at the same time I am present now. Have been stable for 4 years and I talk talk talk to them about my lows and highs ( which are not really low lows and certainly not escalated highs anymore thank god). I actually have had my little one sleep with me for the last three years. He seems to need it and I hope that I am restoring some emotional connection. (even the 11 year old still snuggles but he would dies a thousand deaths if he knew I told you). Anyway. I would take any advice you may have as te child of a mom with mental illness because I am determined to stay connected to them and for them to know, every day that they are loved. Thx
Thank you. I have never approached this topic before. It is a huge part of who I am. It has to be. I have wanted to bring a voice to that of a child growing up in this disease. We are adults, with our own kids, doubts, fears. It's important for me also to express that children CAN come through it and live as normal as everyone else.
Just when I think I know you pretty well… Some people would come out of that broken, unable to cope or relate to others. You, you are on amazing mom, a hell of a funny woman, a great story teller, and someone I am fortunate to be building a friendship with. Your fearless honesty is inspiring, even if I can't always emulate it :)
You have no idea. The soul searching, healing, growth. All those things are part of who I am today. Thank you for your comment. It really means a lot to me.
What I remember best is hiding in my room, wondering why my mom was crying and praying that it wasn't because of me.
When I have struggled with my own depression, I've compulsively told my children, "It's not you; I have a sickness that makes me cry." I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but anything seemed better than letting them wonder.
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Because I can, and because your'e awesome and brave, and because I love you.
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Good stuff. SO GOOD.
Thank you.
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This was beautifully written and I think you will probably help multiple people gain the courage to start some difficult conversations. Xoxo
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You got a lot of awesome in you. I’m proud of you.
Love you so hard!
I wish I had something significant to add. My mother struggled with depression and it definitely took its toll on me as a child. She was there physically but never emotionally. Our relationship today is estranged because of the fall out from those days. Sigh. Bravo for being so honest and brave to write about a very difficult subject!
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Thank you for sharing this. beautifully written.
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Love you. You are not alone. I often wonder the same things.
(((hugs))) Thank you for sharing this, even though it was hard.
And yes. I think that song was a sign.
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