Mother’s day is possibly the most hyped of the Hallmark holidays.    It’s a day of love and admiration for those who have endlessly wiped butts, tears, and pride with baby wipes and sleeves.

But for some…it’s a conflicting holiday.  Not everyone has a mom.  Not everyone has a relationship with their mom.  During this time a year this hyped holiday can be a reminder of what is not in your life and the struggles you might have with it.

I’ve been somewhat open about my struggles with this relationship called “mom.”  Being a mom gives me the normalcy of getting cards, hugs and love from my kids.  I love being a mom to my children.  They have absolutely made me who I am today.  I feel them in my soul.

But I also have a mom.  That fact flips this day into a different set of present and complex feelings.

Growing up with a mentally ill mom has complicated this relationship that this day celebrates.  On one hand, I don’t harbor any angry feelings anymore.  Those have long passed but what is left feels….empty.  Lonely.  On the other hand, I can’t try to connect with something that just isn’t there.  I realize that sounds harsh but when a child has not been on the receiving end of care, concern or love for their whole life, they develop coping skills.  The coping skill I developed was a denial of emotions towards the situation coupled with a wall, in case I was tempted to try.

I’m not saying it’s healthy, but it is what I have done to survive this complex set of relationship emotions that will likely never be resolved.

At times I can feel guilty about this way of coping.  I understand this guilt but also forgive myself for it.  I can no longer hold onto the “what if’s” and “If I just’s…” situations that play out in my head.   They have been played out over and over with no resolution.

I know I’m not the only one in this situation so if you are too, be kind to yourself.  Mother’s day can be a wonderful day to celebrate for most, but not for all.  And that’s ok; we’re doing the best we can.