Dear Hotwheels, you can kiss my ass.

If you follow me on twitter, you’ll know that I had quite the hefty rant earlier.

But this is not about that.

I must be in a mood.

This is about the totally irresponsible and ridiculous notions that Mom’s can’t play with hotwheels.

What.

No really.  What the hell kind of crap just fell out of your mouth Matt Peterson?

Now, I have two sons.  My first did not play with cars.  At all.

But my 2nd?

HE LOVES THEM.

And we have bought a shit ton of them.

Proof?  Look at that wagon.  They may not all be hotwheels, but I can assure you that there are 100’s of them in there.

That's a lot of cars, Matt.

That’s a lot of cars, Matt.

You see, whereas my older son had more expensive  hobbies  ::cough:: Thomas the train:: my younger son has gravitated to the $1 hotwheel.  And I have let him.

There are some really cool ones out there with flames, decals, wings.  It’s actually a thing with us.  We could be at the grocery store and there on an end cap is a hanging display of them.  We sit there and go through them to pick out just the perfect one.

Picking them out as a MOM and son, it’s a thing I’ll always remember about his childhood.

But you know what Matt?  You pissed me off.

BIG.

Do you really think all I’m good for is after school cookies?

Well, I am, but that’s not all.

Look at this track we have.

That's a lot of track.

That’s a lot of track, Matt

LOOK AT IT.

In the summer we take it out to the driveway and build epic tracks.

But, wait, I’m not supposed to know how to do that.

HUH.

Instead of throwing your ignorance at moms, I’m going to clue you into maybe a few reasons why kids maybe have gravitated away from your product.

And how have I learned this?

BY PLAYING WITH THEM MYSELF.

I know.  So hard to believe.

Reasons why hotwheels may suck:

Though the cars are super cool, the tracks?

MEH.

They are hard to put together in *just* the right way so the cars don’t get stuck on the joints.  My son is 5 and gets pretty frustrated with the joints.

So Matt, maybe it’s the crappy joints.

We even have the wall tracks. They were ok, but unless you have an 8ft 5 year old walking around your house, my kid isn’t tall enough to put all the wall tracks at a height that wouldn’t require him to, I don’t know, be on a chair or have me help him start the car off.  If you want to put 2 sets together like you suggest?  You’re going to have to grab a ladder.

Maybe kids just aren’t tall enough these days, Matt.

Let’s not even get into how certain sets have to have that EXACT CAR that come with the set to work.   Like some cars are too heavy to work on sets with action.  That’s not how it works, Matt.  Kids put all their hotwheels in a bin, container, pile and play with them.  To play search and seek for the magical unicorn car that will work with the Twirly Whirly is not the game.  You should either make the cars all the same weight, or at least color code the bottoms of the lighter cars that work with the sets.

Maybe it’s the fat heavy cars, Matt.

Another thing about the sets that have “action” to them?

Though the commercials make it look perfect every time, I can tell you that at least 50% of the time they fail.

Those tiny rubber bands you guys use to produce them break all the time and unless you have an advanced engineering degree and a slew of those micro screwdrivers to try and replace it?

FORGET IT.  And you only give one replacement one?  Silly Mattel.

And when your track is supposed to spin the car around and the rubber band breaks, no one is having fun.

No one wants their rubber to fail, Matt.

So next time you go and try and figure out why a product might not be succeeding as much as you would like, look at the product, not the moms who are often the ones buying them for their kids.

I’ll be waiting for my apology, probably while replacing another rubber band.

 

59 thoughts on “Dear Hotwheels, you can kiss my ass.

  1. How can we take the hot wheels tracks apart? I do I disassemble the tracks? I want to ship them in a long rectangular box. They are not coming apart.

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