I Failed at Whole30

No grains

No gluten

No sugar

No processed foods

No legumes

No dairy

No alcohol

I’m probably missing something here but it doesn’t matter because that gig is O-Vah.

What is this horror I speak of?  It’s called Whole30 and although I wouldn’t call it the latest diet craze, I would call it the latest food program du jour.

BUT WHY JEN, you may be asking yourself while shoving into your mouth Cheetos washing them down with Cabernet.

I wasn’t exactly looking for weight loss. Since my thyroid is being managed, it’s coming off just fine. We all know that the junk in my trunk means I’m going to keep it shakin’ to show off how smart my kids are.

I was already dairy, gluten, most grains, legumes, alcohol, mostly processed foods free.  Those items, among others, are on my permanent “Do not cross lips or go directly to digestive hell” list. I didn’t have an afternoon slump. I wasn’t tired most days. I had a clear head. Haven’t even been to the Dr. in almost 2 years

So why not go for it? What can happen? We’re mostly talking about sugar here.


I don’t mean the new Maroon 5 song, though I’ll keep shaking my smart rump shaker for that man, I mean , song.


It didn’t help that I happen to be addicted to sugar. And like a good crack whore, I keep a steady stream of it going on ::shakes ass:: It’s for the kids, people.

It also didn’t help that after about the 9th day, I white girl could not even turn on my stove again.

It felt a lot like crock pot food all the time.  And no. No no no. NopeDotCom to the crockpot waltz.

After a while all my food looked like a plate of sautéed….stuff.  Or Eggs. ALL THE EGGS. Sorry, chickens. Do they make hooha ice packs for chickens?


One night I had a dream that I was eating at a friends house and she started throwing broccoli at me across the table.

I think they call that “A Cry For Help”

It started with making the kids cookies. M&M cookies. I made them WITH regular flour because I’m no fool. Can’t even pretend those aren’t circles of rainbow death.

But then I had the Costco sized bag of M&M’s just sitting there.  Then the store was clearance-ing out their holiday items which included Walker shortbread, gluten free style. Did you just read that like I did?

Then I got all cookie monster up in this grill.

So, I made it 15 days. And no, it wasn’t 30 but I still drink my coffee with coconut milk and no sugar so as far as I’m concerned, y’all can keep going with your bad ass kale snorting selves.

I’ll be over here keeping on with what I have going on, listening to Maroon 5, shaking what I got. And I don’t mean the donuts.

This may be the best tasting gluten free box mix I’ve ever had.

2 thoughts on “I Failed at Whole30

  1. I could never last that long so hats off to you. I’m pretty sure I need to be dairy free but I can’t do it. I try and I can’t. I wish I had your resolve. I’ll keep trying. And likely keep failing.

  2. Well, you certainly aren’t the first and won’t be the last to fail at Whole 30. My husband, who naturally eats really healthy, absolutely bombed it. He didn’t even last a week.: )

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