I got 99 problems but being warm isn’t one.


This is going to seem completely ridiculous to most but I’M FUCKING COLD.

My BONES are cold.

Yesterday I went to the local grocery store and I just stared at the rotisserie chickens under the heat lamps and thought

“Man, they got the life right now.”  Except for the being dead part.

Then I actually imagined myself going around and around over a fire pit and then placed under a heat sun lamp.

The moment I thought about grabbing a bag of charcoal, I knew I had snapped.

The house is a disaster because when each of your feet are 23 pound blocks of ice and you don’t like to exercise….well….shit’s not gonna get done.

I’m wearing a HAT INSIDE MY HOUSE.   Turn up the heat you say?  It’s on 70, it’s not like that is especially low and no one else seems to be cold.

>>Son runs by with only underwear on eating ice cream<<

“Dress in layers” they say.

Sure but when your layers are already -Thermal underwear – Parka – Sleeping bag- I’m not sure what else can be done.

Even my garage door is mad, refusing to open to anything under 15 degrees.

I saw the movie Frozen.  What I have going on is not beautiful, awesome or fun.

Disney lies.

I’m so desperate for warmth that I slept on a heating pad last night.   It was like a lovely postage stamp sized piece of warmth but hot damn if my left ass cheek wasn’t toasty.

I’ve also programmed myself so that every time I see “Below Zero” temperatures on the weather forecast, I immediately think MUST BAKE.

I’ve only got so many pairs of yoga pants people.

Ok.  I guess that’s it.

I’m fucking cold and just had to write it out before I can move on…to what, I don’t know.

It may just include that charcoal after all.


Apparently being frozen makes me swear.  A lot.


I just looked out my window to see this.

It’s hard to see but that squirrel is RIPPING UP my seat cushions to take back to its nest.

Even the animals are over it.







9 thoughts on “I got 99 problems but being warm isn’t one.

  1. I am with you. Just sitting here listening to the wind whip the negative degrees around out there makes me shiver. I CAN’T GET WARM EVER. I am THISCLOSE to buying one of those death trap/bonfire-waiting-to-happen space heaters for my feet at work because I swear they turn OFF the heat at like 10am.


  2. You’re going to hate me but I’m cold in AZ too. In the mornings is like 40 and it gets cold at night. I sleep in long pants and socks. But I’m sure as hell glad I moved from chicago right about now!

  3. Eff winter. Seriously. We’re in the middle of another legit blizzard with 50 mph winds and -30 wind chills and I’m paranoid we’re going to lose power, which would be awful, because I’m currently molesting any heat that comes from any vent in my house. Eff winter.

  4. Ah, there’s nothing like the laugh from one of your posts to brighten the day. Well, that’s not entirely true because here in Phoenix, it’s bright and sunny all the time. And warm. Until the summer when it’s surface of the sun hot. I have a prediction. A second prediction. My first was that you are an undercover Montessori-mom but now I’m going to up that to a future homeschooling mom from a tropical island. You could be “The Next Martha, mon” (that’s a little Jamaican flair there.) Any-who, I’ll just order up another round of margaritas for the Jen/Martha fan-club. Feel free to stop by anytime and defrost.

  5. Even though it’s warm in Los Angeles, I go down to Santa Monica (45 minutes from where I live in Hollywood) to house sit. And see my sister. All these people live in a giant building on the Pacific Ocean. All of their apartments are cold and damp. And none of them seem to notice. I spend my time there cranking up their heat and wearing sweaters over my sweaters. MY SISTER KEEPS HER PATIO DOOR OPEN BECAUSE SHE WANTS ME TO DIE. I hate it so much because it’s always warm and toasty in my place with no heat on.

    So it’s not as bad as where you are but I hate being cold. And I hate people who think it’s normal when it’s so OBVIOUSLY not normal.

  6. I figured only saps like me who love their old radiators were freezing right now. Glad to see modernizing our heating system wouldn’t have helped in this madness! :-P

    I was tempted to buy one of those $75 fake fireplace heaters at Walgreens, but it seems so cheap that it might set my rugs on fire, but then I’d be WARM. These are desperate times!

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