So you want to be a Twitter Rock Star?

I’m not very serious about blogging.

But twitter? I love. That’s no secret.

I may not have 2.5 million followers but I like to think I know my way around the joint.


So here are some tips I’m giving. For free.

Take them

Or Not.

I don’t really care.

I’m not taking anyone’s blogging advice so I don’t expect people to listen to anything I say.

Twitter 101
Write a Bio, Have an avatar even if it’s not a picture of you, and please oh please do NOT auto DM me a link to your blog.

I have to admit that once I fell for an auto DM it said

“Hey, thanks for following me, I think you’re great”

I was all “Hey look at me being great and all……..wait a second, is this an auto DM?!”

If they just followed you and they are kissing your ass in a DM already? It’s an auto DM.

Unfollow accordingly.

1) We get that you eat and drink. Unless you’re going phrase it in an interesting way? Just don’t say it.

For Example: “This bagel with peanut butter is so good”

Tweet Fixer: “This bagel just got into a fight with a peanut butter jar and got both their asses kicked by my mouth”

And the coffee IV thing? Is so 2008. It’s over. Move on.

And honestly everyone assumes that you are drunk when you are on twitter.

(The “Tweet Fixer” is a service I offer on Wednesday evenings)

2) The Follower Whine
Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I NEED more followers. Or I’m only 5 followers away from 300. I can’t wait. Yippee!

I was on twitter for a year with about 100 followers. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. It’s exciting to watch your numbers grow to some extent. But it doesn’t mean that any new followers are any better than the ones you already have. If people like you? They will follow you. Numbers don’t matter. Quality matters.

3) The Unfollower Whine
“But why did they leeeeeeeeeave me?” “Waaaah!”

Much like the above but the opposite. Guess what? I don’t like a lot of people. Do I expect them all to like me after I say that my kid is smarter than theirs? No. No I don’t and they can click that unfollow button until I’m down to 3 followers and guess what? It doesn’t matter. My self worth is not connected with how many people “listen” or “leave” me. I tweet to myself and for myself everyday. And yes, I do make myself laugh.

4) Queen of passive aggressive
Keep the prepubescent drama stabbing out of your stream. Boo-Hoo. Grow up.

5) Make lists
You can make one public or private. If you’re kissing asses make them public. People drool over listings. It’s like the cherry on top of twitter.

“Look at me and my lists! I’m so popular people list ME just to read MY TWEETS”

There is no way anyone who follows hundreds or thousands can do so effectively without lists.

6) The non replier
There are a few people who can get away without replying to people. VERY FEW. Chances are you are not one of them. Don’t be an asshole. Reply to people when they are funny, pay attention to you or ask you a question. Some people only reply by DM. I’m ok with this but others might not be. Not publicly replying *might* indicate on your stream that you are not involved on twitter.

7) Follow people back
If you like having followers guess what? So do others.
There is this weird numbers game that people play on twitter. I don’t use any system to follow people back other than if they talk to me, I try and make sure that I follow them back. It’s polite and I’m very polite. (cough)
Remember you control your lists of people you really want to communicate with. How do I know that the 2512th person that I follow back doesn’t turn out to be one of my favorite?

8) Links, links, links
A link in every tweet? Really? Sorry, I’m just too lazy to click that many times. Keep this up and I’m leaving you.

9) Ads
“Buy this new fluffy mop! #Ad” There are people who get paid to tweet. I don’t know how much but I can’t imagine it’s worth the amount that it annoys your followers. Just saying.

And yet there’s more. Maybe I’ll do another twitter post. Like a Part 2. But not now. I’ve got some tweeting to do.

53 thoughts on “So you want to be a Twitter Rock Star?

  1. Have gotten over the number obsession. This post is so geared to my 3 day ago self. So above it now.
    Yeah, anyway…Started on twitter because I thought I had to, but so enjoy it for the quick interactions. Just think how much better and more streamlined your day would be if everyone was limited to 140 characters?

    Now going to investigate this Tweetdeck you speak of…
    My recent post The B Word

  2. Great post about twitter. I'm just figuring out the list thing. I haven't made one….yet. And where you talk about links, links, links, first off I don't quite get it. Why would they thank everyone at once anyway. And 'who' ever clicks any of just meaningless links anyway? I know I don't have time. It's kinda like the DM to follow them at their home page. If someone interests me, I will click their home page link myself. Love your writing style
    peace n abundance,

  3. These were fricking great! Cracking me up. I love the eat and drink thing. Seriously. I see the same thing on facebook all the time. Anyway, guess where I found YOU? Yeah, twitter.

  4. I clicked over from a RT link (blame that bitch poppy) – what does that mean? she shouldn't have tweeted it? Heh.

    Lists. It is the ONLY way I survive – because some of the offenders? totally out of the 'care about' list that i have. it's my own and private and fucking awesome.

  5. Very funny stuff! (and good advice!)

    I have to admit, I do tend to do the whole 'refresh' 'refresh' 'refresh' 'refresh' 'refresh' thing when I'm close to a round number. (Then I feel dumb afterward, b/c I know it doesn't change a damn thing…lol!)

  6. Fantastic. I just clicked your link through a mutual twitter friend (is it wrong that I can't bring myself to use the word "tweep"?) and am so glad I did. Love it. Coming back regularly. But more importantly, following your tweets!

  7. Really good advice. I probably am guilty of tweeting too many links once in a while. Trying to do better at just general tweeting. Super helpful guide for new twitter users. Lists are especially important.

  8. Good tips. I must say I struggle with keep up with those I follow and interacting. But I do enjoy folks' tweets so i should try harder to say so.

  9. I so need to be reminded of #3.

    #7 is exactly how I do followers now. If you talk to me on Twitter? I'm all: LET'S DO THIS TWITTER THING. TOGETHER! (and I secretly say WOOT!, but I'm pretty sure that word went out with the coffee IV so I just say it to myself.)

  10. Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I NEED more followers. Or I’m only 5 followers away from 300. I can’t wait. Yippee!

    I am guilty of whining about being 97,000 followers away from 100,000.

  11. Yes, Yes, and by the way Yes! I'm not new to Twitter but obviously still have some lessons to learn. Passing this on to new friend who just doesn't get Twitter. Oh, and auto DM are pretty close to an insult to me. Great way to make to my Monday~ I couldn't have said it better. Really I couldn't have.

  12. You just cracked the 'list' code for me. I never thought to make a list of all the tweeters I don't want to miss. Now, if someone could just explain what the frick Blog Frog is, I'd be all set.

  13. I am actually pretty new to Twitter so of course since I have a false sense of self importance, I ran back to my twitter and checked to make sure I didn't break any of these very handy rules. I do think it sucks when the marketing DB's friend you. I got all excited because I woke up and had 31 followers only to find out that 4 were real people. I do not dig that. ;)

    I also dig your blog but still have that eery feeling that we are in fact related. Very strange indeed.

  14. I loved this.

    I met you through a tweet of jessica bern's. I followed her, and one day on twitter she said, "follow this very funny woman @thenextmartha."

    So, you know, if @bernthis calls someone funny…well, I'm going to follow.

    But that's all I know about you…from twitter.

    I'd like to see you do another post on twitter etiquette BUT I'd really like to know how you became a twitter rock star.

    I came in the middle of the game here…and I'd like to know.

    Just my request.

    And you are a a twitter superstar.

    P.S. the HARDEST twitter group to crack is Milwaukee. When I reply or RT or ask the #milwaukeebloggers group anything. ANYTHING. They have yet to respond. None of them.

    It is beyond the cold shoulder. I don't get it.

  15. Dead right. I did the “I’m 7 followers from 1,000” and immediately felt like a douchebag. I won’t do that again. (until I’m 7 followers from 2,000) Along those lines, doing a #FF for EVERYONE you follow completely negates the point. Tell me I should follow @janeawesome because she told a joke last week about cockroaches, a bartender and Richard Gere that made you snort AND fart you were laughing so hard and then I’ll follow. Otherwise you’re clogging up my stream with a bunch of meaningless names.

  16. I wish I had this when I started Twitter! And I follow back if there's interaction and IF they happen to have a blog I make sure that I like/respect it and it speaks to my personal style and etiquette, or lack thereof ;)

  17. So funny. I've just recently kind of "gotten" the point of twitter, so I'll probably be at 100 followers for a while. But that's…okay…. I'll just do keep doing it for myself and hope I connect with people through our PB and J debacles. :)

  18. Rock on. You know I love you on Twitter and you are spot on with this advice, though I admit I am guilty of the coffee tweets. It's my addiction talking.

    Do you ever sift through your followers and block the spam-bots? I occasionally cleanse, but usually I'm too lazy unless they bug me with a free iPad link or porn.

  19. OMG, I am the queen of NEVER following anyone back. I don't mean to be an asshole, I just cannot keep up with following forty thousand people. I follow people when I think they'll have something interesting to say, or those who I become friendly with. But I totally do NOT follow back everyone who follows me. Never even occurred to me to do so. I think this means that the 300 people I DO follow should know I actually like them. :)

    • true. There are those who do that and you probably engage those 300 more than the average. For me, I figure I'll follow back anyone who talks to me and then use my lists to tweek my stream. Of course, I use tweetdeck and this helps me do this easily.

  20. Oh how I love your tweets.

    Plus? I am a douche about my numbers. it's true. but only when I am close to a nice round number. But it's still douchey. I am aware.

    • The funny thing is that most of the time you'll hit a "certain number" and because of follow/unfollows in 3 days you might be -7 from that number. I think long term is the way to go.

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