If you’ve read me here or on twitter for any length of time, you might know that I’m a little abrupt in the way I speak.
Ok, a lot abrupt.
I’m pretty much this way in person as well.
One of my favorite things to do is to take a conversation and go 180 with it.
There is one example here of a conversation I had during a voting season phone call
Last week I took my kids to a drive through. Pretty standard right?
Unless it’s me that drives up into your line.
At the end of the order they offered me dessert.
Drive through pie.
I say “Have you seen my ass?”
Them “Excuse me?”
Me “If you’ve seen my ass then you would know that I eat plenty of pie on my own, but thanks”
There was another time that the drive through person started with the following:
“Whthehh thesoi sheith slic,e scprr”
Me “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand a single word you just said”
Them “slleksh shskorii xiiht Flr prrrs”
Me “Flower Power?”
I just got a phone call tonight at almost 9pm.
They’re looking for someone who is between 12 and 44 years old. They let me know that they were from New York. I think I’m supposed to be impressed by this. I’m not.
I ask what for. They said to answer some questions. I ask how long it’s going to take.
They say 20-25 minutes.
(Insert me laughing hysterically here)
Me: “No really…”
NY: “I know, it’s a little long.”
Me: “Well what are they questions about?”
Me: Laughing again. “Television? laughing…. I watch four shows a week, I don’t even know that I could talk about television for 20 minutes. Unless it’s questions about the OC housewives because I think that Tamara probably needs therapy and that Alexis just might crack only having ONE nanny now, I mean how does she even survive a single day with one nanny. Oh, and Vicky? She’s still nuts. Surely her husband has a HUGE porn collection. I mean he just must. So is it about the OC housewives?”
NY: “No, it’s about sports.”
Me: SNORT LAUGHING. “I can’t even tell you what season it is. Is it baseball? Maybe not since it’s only 30 degrees out. I’m probably not the best person for this.”
NY: “Can we call back to talk to the man of the house?”
Me: “Sure, he can tell you all about America’s next top model and Chopped while he’s at it.
Think they’ll call back?
I hope so.
By then I’ll have watched Desperate Housewives.
Tonight at nearly the EXACT same time NY calls me again.
Except tonight? He has a southern accent.
He does his lines and I cut him off- “Hey, you’re calling to talk to me about TV sports aren’t you?”
SouthernNY “Why yes I am, that’s pretty good”
Me “Right? It’s almost like I should have MY OWN SHOW! I can go to people’s homes and replace their caller ID. When people call I’ll just tell them who it is and why they are calling. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be famous so right now you probably want my autograph right?”
SouthernNY “Well actually, I’ve got this survey…”
Me “Yeah, I don’t really feel like I’m in the mood for your survey unless you guys changed it to the OC Housewives since last night. You ever watch that because that is a show I’d like to talk to someone about.”
Southen NY “Um, no ma’am I don’t”
Me “Well now, that’s too bad because now there is some marketing genius going on. I mean every time I watch that show I have a craving for hair extensions. So how do I get my number off your list?”
Southern NY “Well, it’s randomly generated…”
Me “WOW, then you randomly generated me two nights in a row at the SAME TIME. How about not tonight and we’ll see tomorrow if I feel like doing your survey. Why don’t you put in a word about the Housewives thing for me”
Tomorrow? I’m going to talk Dora and Diego.
Hey, just the other day you asked ME, via Tweet, if I had seen your ass. What I thought was Twitter banter was really a withering reply usually directed at the giant plastic head of Ronald McDonald *sob.*. Fortunately, I laughed so hard at your telemarketing schpiel as well as the brilliant kidnap commenter that I have cheered up already.
You know what I wish I still had? I had this link where this telemarketer called–superyoung country bumpkin–and the guy answering the phone decided to prank him and began to hit on him VERY SEXUALLY. The poor kid telemarketer got all flustered…it was so dang funny.
I'm going to try and find it again.
HA HA HA OMG you could do this as a service to people like me who have a problem coming up with this stuff when it really matters!
Hilarious! You are totally welcome to answer the phone at my house.
Wow. . I came across your blog and this post is the ONLY thing that made me laugh today. My daughter throwing food at me and my husband being out of town and the apple TV not working MOST CERTAINLY did NOT amusing. I sure as hell better not be out of rum. . .
This is too funny. Will you come over and answer my phone? ;D
I have thought the same about Don and porn and I really can't blame him because Vickie is certifiably nuts and I'll bet she screams "Woo hoo!" at all the wrong moments during sex.
That is awesome and disturbing.
This beats the hell out of my telemarketer tactic: holding the phone up to a screaming child.
I got a call last week:
Caller: "Are there any people in your household under the age of 18?"
Caller: "How many?"
Me: "Is this the police?"
Caller: "No, sir. How many people under the age of 18 do you have in your household?"
Me: "You mean right now? Or after I get the ransom?"
Me: "NOT the police, right? You sure? Then, right now, 6."
Caller: "You have six people under.."
Me: "CRAP. Five. I have five now. SETTLE DOWN BACK THERE OR THERE WILL BE ANOTHER ONE TO PAY!"
I think we may be soulmates.
~~You are hilareous :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh babe, separated at birth, you and me. Except I'm way older. And dumber.
But our asses? The same. Ditto on the mouth. It's a fun world we live in, most of the time. I LOVE SURVEY CALLS to which I immediately respond, "You gonna pay me?" 25 minutes of personal focus group FOR FREE? I think not.
I love this. And I've actually been WITH YOU when you've asked a food employee if they've seen your ass.
You're one of a kind: thank goodness. :)
I just may print out your OC housewives dialogue for the next time I get a cable telemarketer calling. Can you maybe come up with some come backs for the carpet cleaner or the house painters or the…. Hey, you should write a "How to handle those annoying telemarketers" book!!
oh my Lord this is funny! And such news to me! I didn't notice at ALL that you are abrupt.
this is more funny than I can stand!!! Let them call back to the house!!