I’m not very serious about blogging.
But twitter? I love. That’s no secret.
I may not have 2.5 million followers but I like to think I know my way around the joint.
Inhales.
So here are some tips I’m giving. For free.
Take them
Or Not.
I don’t really care.
I’m not taking anyone’s blogging advice so I don’t expect people to listen to anything I say.
Twitter 101
Write a Bio, Have an avatar even if it’s not a picture of you, and please oh please do NOT auto DM me a link to your blog.
I have to admit that once I fell for an auto DM it said
“Hey, thanks for following me, I think you’re great”
I was all “Hey look at me being great and all……..wait a second, is this an auto DM?!”
If they just followed you and they are kissing your ass in a DM already? It’s an auto DM.
Unfollow accordingly.
1) We get that you eat and drink. Unless you’re going phrase it in an interesting way? Just don’t say it.
For Example: “This bagel with peanut butter is so good”
Tweet Fixer: “This bagel just got into a fight with a peanut butter jar and got both their asses kicked by my mouth”
And the coffee IV thing? Is so 2008. It’s over. Move on.
And honestly everyone assumes that you are drunk when you are on twitter.
(The “Tweet Fixer” is a service I offer on Wednesday evenings)
2) The Follower Whine
Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I NEED more followers. Or I’m only 5 followers away from 300. I can’t wait. Yippee!
I was on twitter for a year with about 100 followers. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. It’s exciting to watch your numbers grow to some extent. But it doesn’t mean that any new followers are any better than the ones you already have. If people like you? They will follow you. Numbers don’t matter. Quality matters.
3) The Unfollower Whine
“But why did they leeeeeeeeeave me?” “Waaaah!”
Much like the above but the opposite. Guess what? I don’t like a lot of people. Do I expect them all to like me after I say that my kid is smarter than theirs? No. No I don’t and they can click that unfollow button until I’m down to 3 followers and guess what? It doesn’t matter. My self worth is not connected with how many people “listen” or “leave” me. I tweet to myself and for myself everyday. And yes, I do make myself laugh.
4) Queen of passive aggressive
Keep the prepubescent drama stabbing out of your stream. Boo-Hoo. Grow up.
5) Make lists
You can make one public or private. If you’re kissing asses make them public. People drool over listings. It’s like the cherry on top of twitter.
“Look at me and my lists! I’m so popular people list ME just to read MY TWEETS”
There is no way anyone who follows hundreds or thousands can do so effectively without lists.
6) The non replier
There are a few people who can get away without replying to people. VERY FEW. Chances are you are not one of them. Don’t be an asshole. Reply to people when they are funny, pay attention to you or ask you a question. Some people only reply by DM. I’m ok with this but others might not be. Not publicly replying *might* indicate on your stream that you are not involved on twitter.
7) Follow people back
If you like having followers guess what? So do others.
There is this weird numbers game that people play on twitter. I don’t use any system to follow people back other than if they talk to me, I try and make sure that I follow them back. It’s polite and I’m very polite. (cough)
Remember you control your lists of people you really want to communicate with. How do I know that the 2512th person that I follow back doesn’t turn out to be one of my favorite?
8) Links, links, links
A link in every tweet? Really? Sorry, I’m just too lazy to click that many times. Keep this up and I’m leaving you.
9) Ads
“Buy this new fluffy mop! #Ad” There are people who get paid to tweet. I don’t know how much but I can’t imagine it’s worth the amount that it annoys your followers. Just saying.
And yet there’s more. Maybe I’ll do another twitter post. Like a Part 2. But not now. I’ve got some tweeting to do.