When you’re a child, I’m not sure that the phases of life are that obvious. It was around my 20’s that I started to see them.
First came the engagement announcements and in 5 years, all of my friends were married.
Then there were baby announcements as my friends grew into families.
The early family phase years are hard. You have new adjustments from couplehood into familyhood. You have less sleep, less time alone, less time as a couple. Some couples didn’t fare well during this time period, but it was not the norm amongst my peer group. The 50% divorce rate just wasn’t seen around me.
Until it was.
As I’m in my early 40’s, It’s clearly obvious that now I’m in the divorce period. These are mostly marriages almost hitting their 20 years mark. You know, maybe the point at which you think you’re safe with your partner for life. I’m hearing of a divorce about 1x a month.
I’ve learned that no relationship is a guarantee. Those happy, secure couples in their 30’s? Look around. 50% will dissolve.
It makes me think. Why at this point are so many marriages falling apart?
Sure, some of the marriages were the cliché “Husband found a younger woman, co-worker, secretary, hooker” syndrome.
But not all. I quite admire the couples who can just decide it’s not working and move on to the unknown.
I guess I just didn’t realize that this is a phase in life. This phase has stirred up feelings of insecurity, sadness, and brings with it a transition of emotions and support.
I have no idea why I’m writing this.
I hope to have a lifelong marriage filled with love, support and laughter. Hell, that IS what I signed up for and anyone who knows my husband knows I picked good. REAL GOOD, you guys. At the core of who he is, is exactly aligned with who I would choose again. And we are so great together.
So for this phase, I choose us. Forever.
I am in the “separated” category, headed to the Big D. Never thought I would be. I thought we’d weather through whatever storm came our way. Making the decision to be a part was one of the hardest things we’ve done but it’s really for the best in a frightening and very sad way.
Huh. I guess I don’t know where I fall on that spectrum. I got married later, and divorced sooner, than a lot of my friends. But I never accepted it as a phase in life; it just turns out you can’t make someone stay with you when they decide to leave. (I guess handcuffing them to a radiator isn’t really an option?)
I mean, it turned out ok. Better than ok. It took him leaving for me to see that I had been very unhappy for a long time, and I’m not unhappy anymore. So yay for that.
I think these things are cyclical. My sister is older than me, and one of her friends mentioned that there are a lot of couples who divorce around the time their kids are starting school, and another batch who divorce when they’ve been together in the 15-20 year range. I don’t know why. Different phases of life bring about different changes, I guess.
When she was about our age, Oprah started talking a lot about being “authentic.” I believe we have to acknowledge our authentic selves as we mature. I wonder if this phase of divorce is related that self-discovery. Sometimes behaving in an authentic way can be threatening to others.
I completely agree that this is this general sense of true self with women in their 40\’s. I like more women now at this age than I ever have. I\’m able to not only be myself and accept it, but see others with this new lens.
I really love this post. I am at the beginning of this phase with my group of friends too. It is shocking to me when weddings I stood up in are now gone. It makes me sad for everyone involved (since none of them so far have been any hookers or cheating). I look at my husband and let him know my sadness, and he holds my hand and tells me we will make it. I know he is right…but it is still startling to know it wasn’t that way for all my friends.
It\’s been an odd emotional ride for me. On one hand I am sad that what I thought were strong marriages, or at least as strong as my own, are now no more but on the other hand see my friends pick up the pieces, start new and grow.
Same here, starting to hear about more and more divorced in those couples you always said would NEVER split. And while it’s utterly ridiculous how much I adore my husband and vice versa, it always gives me pause, because I assume every couple now going through divorce felt that way once too. For me I think it’s a bit less concentrated, With my husband being 6 years younger, our friends that came from my side are hitting the divorce phase, our friends who came from his side are just now getting married and having babies.
Well, and then kids I used to babysit are getting married and having babies too ::head explodes::
My heart stopped. Had to click over. Thanks for the relief of a beautiful post. xo
<3 Thank you.
Ha! I am living the phase. I too think a lot about all my friends also in the muck. And it’s the opposite for me bc I see my friends not divorcing and think “what’s wrong with me?” How did I not choose right? What did I do differently?
I want to back to the marriage and baby stage … But really just to have started my divorce much earlier. ;)
Yep.
I ask myself that all the time
Sometimes I think people choose for that time in their lives. Not the wrong choice, just a different one than if it was being made in the now. Lives change, needs change. I feel like there may be less guilt associated with it that way. Hugs to you. I know it\’s hard even if it\’s the best of circumstances.
I am in this phase with you. It is making me feel the same insecurity and fears you do. I picked real good like you did. Hoping we continue to stay connected and do this as a team and not be on the sad side of the 50%.
when I read the title of your post I was frightened. I’m so relieved to hear that I was mistaken. Thank you for this post, as usual your words are wise.
Oh gosh no. I guess seeing so many relationships fall apart has just made me pause and reflect. It’s a weird post for me for sure. :0
I love this so much.
And indeed, you are one half of a great couple!!