My Boobs are no longer Victoria’s Secret.

I’m not a big clothes shopper.  Actually, I’d rather weed my garden then go clothes shopping.  Sometimes when women aren’t clothes shoppers, they’re shoe or handbag shoppers.

I’m not those either.

I just don’t care.    This isn’t to say that I dress in rags.  I buy what I wear and not more.  I have one pair of jeans.  I have one pair of shoes that I wear daily.  I have one purse, and it’s not a designer one.

I’m sort of minimalist when it comes to clothes.

This is great until I have an event where I need to have something more than a t-shirt and jeans.

This scenario led me to the mall.

On a Saturday.

Now, I’m no professional writer, but I can tell you that if you are lacking in blogging material?  Head to your nearest mall on the weekend.

First up was something to wear.  If I’m not a clothes shopper first?  You should know I’m not a dress wearer second.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m tall but the only dresses I like on myself are full length.  Anything shorter and I feel like a troll.

So I found a pants, shirt, and cardigan combo.  Up next?  A bra.

Mine had become, let’s say, unsupportive of my decision to have them higher than my navel.

I head to Victoria’s secret.

As I walk in, I notice it’s crowded.

I make my way through the crowds to the wall where the bras are hanging.

I notice that only 32 B’s are hanging in every style.

I also notice that they have names such as “The Showstopper” the “Bombshell” and “Incredible.”

I briefly look down and wonder which category I need.  I’m thinking “The Showstopper” means something different than me taking off my shirt and the curtain falls.

I turn and notice the long line to try on the bras.  As I do, a young 20-ish woman asks if I need help.

My first thoughts are “well, there’s no way SHE’s going to measure what I’ve got going on in here, and it’s a Bombsomething, all right. “

Me: Um..I’m not sure.  The line looks really long.

Her: Oh, it’s not really that long.  A lot of girls bring their friends to try bras on with so the line is probably only half girls trying on.

Me: You mean like a boob buddy?

I can safely say that that young woman was not prepared for my remarks.

She replied with silence and backed away slowly.

I look around a little more but was unable to find the bra called “Miracles Can Happen” or “Almost a Boob Lift.”

I decide that Victoria has let the secret out and the secret is that my boobs are no longer in the same category as most of their child free clientele looking to buy pretty bra’s with clementines on them.

I leave.

I stop at the mall directory and see a Cacique.  I decide to try there.

I walk in and it’s empty.

I’m greeted by two women with a “Hi”

“Oh, hi, I just left Victoria’s secret because my boobs are now old, saggy, and lopsided and I don’t think they can address those issues for me anymore”

One girl walks away to hide. (Probably not because of me)

The other girl says “And it’s nice to meet you too”

Her name was Amy.  Amy asks to measure me.

“Lift” she says.

“It’s that obvious huh?”

We make some small talk and then remarks that she thought I was 34.

“And THAT’S HOW YOU SELL 5 BRA’S AMY”

She gives me the size and we go to their wall.  Though this time the names are different.

“T-Shirt Bra”  “Passion” and “Balconette”

Balconette is a polite way of saying “We know your boobs are in the basement and we’re here to put them back on the balcony”

Helpful bras.

Not bra’s trying to get me to second base.   Cause honey?  It’s not that exciting.

She hands me two different styles and I try them on.

The first one was a lower cut one.  I try it on and it was like OH HELLO THERE.

Except my right boob was all sorts of spilling out of it.

The left was fine.

I show her and she says, um, yeah.  I can see it  popping up.

I said “Yeah, it’s like a turtle head coming out for a snack”

She agrees and I try on the next style.

And it works.

No turtle head, no side bulge, no chin rests.   So I buy 3 and thank Amy for her help.

And if you come see me in the show next weekend?

Try not to stare.

They look fantastic.

Comments

  1. This post is hilarious!! Loved every bit of it and I can totally relate to it. Glad you found what your fit :)

  2. chewingtaffy says:

    I can totally relate…love it!!

  3. OMG, this is funny! Glad your girls are looking perky now :)
    My recent post How To Rock A LBD (Little Black Dress) With A Mommy Body

  4. I went to VS last Christmas, I have 3 kids and I am on the overweight side. 7 sales girls ignored me, and 1 maybe took pity on me and after trying on 4 bras I was sure would fit, she said "ok babe, let's get this right" – did a bra fitting with me (surgery scars, stretch marks and all). Apparently I was wearing the wrong size. I bought that bra in hot pink…it's my & victoria's little secret…LOL – well and quite possibly all your readers now too.

    The balconnette comment was CLASSIC – that's awesome!
    My recent post Winner, Winner – Shaklee Get Clean Kit!

  5. angelamking says:

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this. i so need to head to the mall to be measured. and i'm a cacique girl as well. i have been since i was preggo with my second and went to victoria's secret to be measured and they told me they didn't have anything for me and suggested i head one to cacique. lol.
    My recent post {the way i view…friendship}

  6. I always expect Victoria's Secret bras to make me look like the supermodels wearing them in the ads and it NEVER happens. For $60 a bra, it SHOULD happen.
    My recent post Golden Glow.

  7. Hahahahaha! I absolutely LOVE it!

  8. I also went to Cacique this weekend. I went with the t-shirt bra although my usual favorite is the balconnette. I keep looking down and wondering where my boobs went.
    My recent post Project 365, Week 17

  9. Flawless Mom says:

    I just cried a little from laughing. And also from just a touch of sadness about what our boobs all used to look like. I have a feeling your boobs and your essay will be exquisite at the show.

  10. I will be there and I'll totally be checking you out because I'm in desperate need of a new bra. And I'm not carrying clementines.

    Steph
    (LTYM NW Indiana)
    My recent post On The High Wire

  11. A boob buddy – priceless. Seriously, I don't need a friend to help me try on bras. That's…weird.

    My recent post Elimination Diets and Me

  12. The sacrifices!!

    New tag line! Giving turtle heads a microphone…

    (Hysterical post)

  13. Christina says:

    If you do go to Victoria Secret’s, the incredible lives up to its name. I’m large busted, so need the extra support. They are like $45 a pop though. They are this stretchy material that is a. It tight ad first, but loosens, in the good way, after like 3ish wears.

    I’m glad to know there is else where for a decent bra. Thanks for living and sharing most women’s annoyance in bra shopping.

  14. OMG, this is funny. I’m the girl who hide from the salespeople because I’m afraid they will force me to buy a bra in my proper size – which is terrifying.

  15. ksluiter says:

    you cannot call your boob a turtle head. my husband calls poop a turtle head. I am all giggly and grossed out at the same time.

    i got measured at VS a few weeks ago. I thought I was a 36 C. I am apparently a 38 DD. And yes, they look MUCH better now in the right bra.

    Show stopping, if you will.
    My recent post those are designer bags under my eyes

    • TheNextMartha says:

      I would have had them measure me but honestly? The women that were working this weekend were all in their 20's. Young 20's. I did not want to ruin their vision of their future.

  16. Well, now not only are we going to stare, but you're gonna have to show us the bra, too. Just be prepared. We will totally be your boob buddies. Except Lou. I think he's gonna have to leave the room.
    My recent post Oh, the Inhumanity of it all…

  17. Aaaaaand, now I'm totally crushing on you and not because of your boobs…also, crushing and boobs…not a good idea to use both in the same sentence…probably…best of luck to you this weekend!!!!

  18. Boob buddy? That sounds like my life long ambition.
    My recent post Relaxing at home

  19. I would happily be your boob buddy. Walking into Victoria Secret makes me feel dirty and ugly. I have been putting off buying a new bra, but now that the weather is getting warmer I cannot hide them under very large sweatshirts. Good luck this weekend!!!
    My recent post Frag'n Friday

  20. And that’s why all my bras are from Target.

  21. Melisa Wells says:

    I am crying over here.

    1. You sure know how to clear a room.
    2. So glad you decided to wear a bra on stage.
    3. I will try not to stare but can't make any promises.
    My recent post Teen Interpretation Gone Wrong

  22. The worst part of the Victoria’s Secret bras is that they’re crazy padded now & turn your boob into the chicken cutlet you once used to lift your boob. Your boob becomes the accessory…in a bra. For real. Last time I tried on a bra there (sans boob buddy, bc…wtf?) I thought I was at a plastic surgeon’s office “trying on” what size I wanted after.

    Needless to say, I don’t need to be getting my husband’s hopes up that I’d suddenly sprouted bigger ones.

    One day when I’m out of the nursing bra phase I’ll seek out this balconette. It even sounds classy. :)

  23. I am just jealous you can WALK into a store and buy a bra. Stores, actual stores, that sell bras grow legs and run away when they see my boobs coming. I think I would need 2 Victoria’s Secret bras just to contain one boob.

  24. Oh wow that is so true about Victoria's Secret. down to the clementine decor & style names.
    and boob buddies? hilarious.
    My recent post Big Cat Fun

  25. Lady Estrogen says:

    Hahaha. I used to work in a lingerie change room. I tried to make things light and easy for the women, but since I was only 20 at the time, I’m sure they all hated me.
    Congrats on getting the girls back on the balcony!!

  26. I needed this laugh. I so wish I was in Chicago – or at least closer! – so I could come see you!!!!

  27. I'm so like you — only shop when the ABSOLUTE necessity beckons. Next time we should be boob buddies!! :) hahahahahahaaha

  28. I just spent an hour in hell, trying to buy bras. I was determined to leave with at least one (wanted more!) but ended up leaving with just one. Is that a good place to go? Never shopped there. (I'm afraid of the mall.)

    • TheNextMartha says:

      I think it worked for me. There's this place I found out near me (more specialty?) that tailors bras and honestly, I think I need that. I am in between cups and circumference sizes. Oh. yeah. They're a bomtastic sight for sure.

  29. Personally, I enjoy the balconette. It creates a nice little shelf that catches the crumbs.

  30. Loved this post! Too funny! And too true! I was laughing in agreement!

  31. Can go shop for me? I freaking hate shopping with a fiery passion.

  32. and since you are not a Boca chick – they are real ;)
    Wish that I could be there to hear you do your thang … boobs and all xxx
    My recent post Blogging is not a hobby.

  33. WHAT?? I left like a 4 paragraph comment..

    ANYWAY: driving to IL to see the turtle head pop out for a snack? Totally worth it.

    xo
    My recent post So Why Can't I Run Away and Join The Circus?

  34. Your posts: it's hard to wait for them, but you bring it!!! I feel THIS CLOSE to driving just to hear you read and see you.

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