This weekend my high school classmates were getting together to celebrate…something.
Graduation? Old asses? Sagging tits? Grey pubic hairs?
Well. They were. I was staying home.
I had no interest in paying to see a bunch of people who don’t remember me.
That’s called a bad investment.
On Facebook, I saw people talking back and forth about who was going, times, blah, blah and blah. No one was asking me so I took this as further proof to not go.
To be honest, there was this big Facebook reunion page that was putting out all the information. Once they revealed themselves to have *zero* sense of humor, I left the group. There is no way I was hanging out with a bunch of old, grey, sagging, and in need of a southern dye job without humor involved.
I was out nearly all day and when I returned at almost 7pm I saw that I DID have a Facebook message from one of the few high school people I am connected with. He asked if I was going.
I think my answer was “Hell to the No” and “I don’t like people, I tweet”
He then mentioned that tonight was a free event and many people were meeting at the local bar conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS from the high school.
Klassy.
Then I thought about what a freaking tweetable moment that could be.
I mean, could it even get any better?
I think we both know I can’t pass up this opportunity
I tell him I’ll go and we meet there to walk in together.
As we walk up I immediately start to get cold feet. Tweets or not, I decide that this is crazy. None of the friends that I do stay in touch with from high school were going to be there. I had no posse.
Breath.
As we walk up we meet a few people outside.
I actually knew the one girl so we chatted a bit.
They seemed normal so my heart sank that this was not going to be the car crash I was hoping for.
Then we went inside.
I may have said “This is a room full of hot mess” out loud with a smile on my face.
This is where the good stuff was hiding.
Well, not him. With that bald head, he’s not hiding from anyone. At all.
Actually, the amount of bald was sort of…..blinding.
I have nothing against balding men, I just had no idea when this started happening. I’m still youngish dammit! I guess my grey pubes should tell me otherwise.
Then I looked at the landscape of lost hair and waistlines.
This was going to be the BEST EVENT EVER!
To tweet that is.
When your reunion location bar has a trailer out back that’s a good thing right?
When you say “wow you look the same” and they say nothing? Not a good sign
Wow. A whole group just walked past me. This is awesome.
I wore my chipped ass off blogher toe nail polish tonight. I can’t believe all these guys passed me up.
I did not have sex with a single person in this room. So there’s that.
I looked around and worked my way in to talking to people. I have no problem walking up to just about anyone. Remember me? Don’t remember me? I just don’t give a shit. I’m like the reunion honey badger.
I did recognize this one guy and walked up to him. I even remembered his name. We did go to a homecoming together after all. After some small useless chat I told him I only came to see the hot mess in person.
He then asked if I was going to talk about him.
I said “Well, of course, but not until I walk away. That’s called being polite”
I love when a guy doesn’t remember that you guys went to homecoming together. #IDidntPutOut
I told homecoming guy that I thought he was a drug addict in high school.
Turns out homecoming guy had diabetes.
I saw another girl that I was pretty friendly with though out my whole school career so I decided to chat her up.
Best. Idea. Ever.
Paula? If you read this? Your dark and twisty combined with my don’t give a shit honey badger attitude could take freaking over. Everything.
The lack of social media and overall phone addiction was sort of startling. Am I really of the generation that has not fully embraced all that smart phones have to offer? I felt like voicemail in a room of answering machines that use tapes. I get that I’m online probably more than is healthy but come on! It’s events like this that social media were invented for.
Maybe I just needed a drink. I walked to the bar and ordered a coke. I was standing next to this guy for a minute waiting so I said
“Hi, my name is Jen”
He didn’t reply.
“So, what’s your name?”
“My name is I don’t give a shit about your name” (implied tone in his answer)
“Oh, so we’re having a mutual I have no idea who you are moment. Perfect”
I decide to move outside and away from awkward moment number one into awkward moment number 2.
I see someone else I recognize and we start talking
Him: “You unfriended me on Facebook”
“Um. Yeah I did.”
Another guy walks up
“If it makes you feel any better, I unfriended him too”
Other guy “really?”
“Yeah. You see I was raising money for a charity so I told people for every donation that I would unfriend a Facebook person. Basically I got paid to unfriend you both”
::blank stares::
Let’s go run and find Paula again shall we?
I turn to Paula and say “I want to walk up to that guy and say, “Hey remember when we made out?”
She said “Who?”
I said “him”
She said “I made out with him TOO!”
Awesome and why yes we did compare notes.
Overall, people did not go out of their comfort boundaries that were created 20 years ago. You could look around and almost feel the air bubbles that surrounded the stereotypical cliques. In that sense, it was sort of disappointing. It’s possible that if I had some of my closest high school friends there, I may have been the same way.
To those who walked by and didn’t bother to ask my name or even just say hi?
You’re meh.
To Paula, Nemisha, Valerie, Kevin, Bradley, Frank, Jason, Renee, Yvette, and Michelle?
You made the night for me.
Thank You.
______________________________
Hello longest post I’ve ever written and I edited this DOWN.
OMG! You two look like boards standing next to each other in that picture! Of course, when a parent it taking the picture, that's the "safe" stance. My daughter's homecoming date last year was a cardboard figure, too.
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I came because I saw your Halloween on Adventures of Renovating a Brooklyn Brownstone, very good stuff. BUT….I stayed because I read this post and you are too funny. I am definately coming back for more Halloween ideas and a laugh.
and that is exactly why I will NEVER attend a HS reunion (and I was the captain of cheerleaders & on homecoming court)
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Now that I’ve had more time to digest, I can respond. :) I had a good time. Not a great time. I didn’t remember most of the people in the room. I couldn’t figure out who I used to hang out with in HS. Where were my friend’s? What happened to them? I really wished I had a group of friends there. Then it dawned on me on Wednesday…some of my friends didn’t graduate and the rest were older than me. It turns out I wasn’t a total loser!
Thankfully, people like Jen talked to me AND remembered me. There were not many of them. Am I sad? Nope. Did I enjoy the five or six people I talked to? Yep! Was the whole thing worth it? Yep! I admit I made a friend or two on FB from HS. We go to see each other. One girl and I are going to have a play date with our kids. The reunion was worth it. I learned that the stupidity of HS sticks for some. Not people like Jen…or me.
Based on this timeline you're a year older than me so does this mean that a year from now when I attend my 20th high school reunion I'll have grey pubes? It's going to be an awkward moment when I ask my hair lady for highlights on my hooha. Awkward for her, not me. I'll enjoy it as I enjoy all awkward moments.
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It's almost like I was there myself. Definitely ready to skip my own as it couldn't possibly be as entertaining as reading this recap.
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“I don’t like people, I tweet." Best. Line. Ever.
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great post Jen. You should consider blogging :D I don't do reunions. Not ever.
You're a better person than me… I didn't go to my 20 yr reunion or the thing they had the night before. Nothing.
Seriously… why would I want to go to and spend a night with a bunch of people I don't know and can catch up with on Facebook. And more than that…. most of those who were there weren't close friends. Although I didn't think of it being a tweetable moment!
Am I really 5 years older than you? BTW, I think you should come to my 25th reunion with me and we should fuck with people by pretending you went to school there.
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Oh the unfriending Facebook conversation is priceless.
Perhaps it would be worth a trip to Connecticut for me to attend one of these. Although I'll probably find out that I was cool in high school and just end up depressed about how far I've fallen.
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This is the best! I didn’t attend my 20 year either for similar reasons! Made me almost feel like I was there with you…and Paula! Hahahahahahahahaha! Thanks for the entertainment!
I would not have had near the good time if you had not been there!!!! You made the night for me as well Jen! I just wish I could see the un-editied version…oh wait…I lived it!
I had so much fun at my 10 year that I can't wait to go to the 20 year. Of course, all our popular people had VERY humbling 20's…so that was fun.
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Your tweets were hilarious and the fact that you compared yourself to a honey badger is epic.
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This is actually why I didn't go to my reunion. I mean, I just want Paula to come over so we can be snarky together.
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I greatly enjoyed the live-tweeting of the reunion. It made me want to go to my own and do the same. Next year…next year.
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What's a honey badger?
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I'll tweet you a link.
What kind of a douchehole unfriends people for charity? I'm doing a disease walk next month, so new plan: for every $1 I raise I'm going to tell someone they're fat.
Sounds like you were the coolest person in the room Jen. Hands down.
A kind of douchehole that is a FREAKING GENIUS!
True. Very true.
haha too funny. I can relate about the boring facebook pages. For my tenth reunion which I did not attend there was a page like that and it looked awful. I like how you didn't care about unfriending the guy on FB.
That was the funniest "shit" EVER! You crack me up!!
This is very similar to why i chose not to attend my 20th class reunion. I came from a very small school and anyone who I wanted to keep in contact with I have. I have no desire to attend a function where people don't remember me or worse yet they recognize me as my ex husbands wife "Oh yeah you married sweet Paul, how is Paul?" Inside I'm screaming "Sweet Paul was an abusive douche bag you idiot". Hence there is a reason I didn't stay connected to certain people nor my hometown.
Ooops on the diabetes, but this is the best reunion recap I've ever read. It's almost enough to make me want to go to one. If, of course, there is a trailer at the back of the bar…
the reunion Honey Badger!!! hahahaha
BEST REUNION RECAP EVER.
I wish you would have invited me to go with you: I could have pretended that I went to school with you. Think of the fun we could've had.
Lastly:
You were BEAUTIFUL in high school, and you're still BEAUTIFUL now.
I don't know how anyone could not want to be just be with you: I'm like a moth to a flame around you.
Other favorite:
I get that I’m online probably more than is healthy but come on!
My favorite:
I'm the honey badger of reunions.
Also, I'm going to tell you that I LOVED THIS.
Why did you edit???
Look at you! So pretty. Meh. Who the hell cares. You're still hot. Grey pubes or not. And? F**king hilarious. I mean. Yeah.
Thanks for sharing pics of your high hair, and the homecoming pic? No wonder he didn't remember if you didn't put out – doesn't look like you even touched him by the pic..neither one of you looks comfortable at all. Ah to be young again – no thanks! I hope you know we will all be searching for grey pubes so thanks for that too.
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