Order Up! A Brazilian, Boob Lift, and Xanax to go.

 

So these are a few snippets of things that have made me laugh.

Luckily they’re all about me.

Lucky for you I don’t mind laughing at myself.

But I’m not the only one laughing.   Oh no. There’s a whole 2nd grade class, possibly a few of their parents and teachers laughing too.

We were out to eat after my husband had just got back from a trip in Vegas.  He was talking about how the pawn shop there (some show on TV) was much smaller than he thought it would be and that he was surprised.

Before he could finish my older son said “yeah, like the time I walked in on mommy taking a shower.  I was surprised and now her “vachina” is famous in 2nd grade.”

My husband and I look at each other with respective mouths open.

“Um, What?!”

“You remember the time Daddy told me to tell you that dinner was almost ready and I walked in the bathroom and I saw your vachina?”

(I then recalled the incident a week prior and remembered when he walked in that he made some sound like “Whoa” or “Gasp” or something)

“Ok, yeah”

“Well, I went to school and told some kids at recess about seeing your vachina”

At this point, I’m sort of speechless so my husband takes over.

“And did they ask you about it?”

“Yeah”

“And what did you say?”

“I said it was like a big fur ball with a hole in it”

“How many kids did you tell?”

“Well, I only told 3 or 4 but I’m pretty sure they told others so now everyone knows about your vachina”

At this exact point the food server walks up.  His face?  Priceless.

Food server says “Um, I don’t know what I just walked into but I only heard the last part”

Husband “Well, if you were going to walk into any part, the last part was it.”

My husband and I were going out to do some gardening together.

He hardly ever helps but this year I’m playing catch up.

He says “If we’re going out to garden, don’t you think you should put on a bra?”

“I DO have a bra on”

“Oh”

Once upon a time I set up a blog and when asked for a name, I put mine in.

I didn’t realize this meant the blog name.  Whatever.

So I changed it.

No big deal…..until someone decides to take the name.

MY name.  The best part is that they use my name to run ads and spam people.

Awesome.

Today I decided to see if it was still around.

It is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “Order Up! A Brazilian, Boob Lift, and Xanax to go.

  1. Your son is my new favorite person. Fav.or.ite. The END. (only b/c it wasn't my child, and it didn't happen to me, let's understand that.) ;)

  2. AYFKM? I just had a blorgasm, and I mean that in the most unpsychotic way possible. After the donut bonding — and I hope you're not completely appalled that for that entire time we were chatting I was sitting on the toilet, although I'm pretty sure you won't be because I have the gut feeling that we were separated at birth — I stopped over while writing a post about privacy in the bathroom and why I was in there so long and all the ways my children — nay family (nay is my PeeWee word this week) — thwarted my efforts at solitude. And this? Further evidence of the separated at birth theory.

    Just for you, I'll add a donut lovin' picture to the post when I put it up. By that I mean photographic evidence of a 3-way I had in the backseat of a car in Portland with my BFF and a chocolate-covered, cream-filled, penis-shaped donut. My husband took pictures, and we showed our gratitude by letting him eat a ball.

  3. I stand by that ad.

    Jennifer Hajer is the best thing for mental illness.

    She makes me feel normal, and that is priceless. Also, not bad for 2. 48 for 30 tablets.

  4. *ahem* I uh… *cough* mmm… really trying NOT to laugh here… *cough cough* oh crap *snort* sorry – just TOO funny!!

    and here I was embarrassed about my toddler hitting my ass in the shower and saying "you butt wiggow momma" so thanks, thanks very much.

    ***notes to self: stop showering with toddler, lock bathroom door while showering***

  5. um. i really have no words.

    at all.

    but i do understand the boob thing. my hubs has said the same thing to me. i either have super droopy boobs or horrible bras.

    or a combo of both.

  6. I'm glad my husband has prepared me for these types of things. I'm pretty much numb to being horrified at things that make it out into the wild about me, story wise. Thanks for sharing, as always :)

  7. Hysterical! And while I've been trying to work with my 16 month old on using more words, this post changed my mind completely. I don't want her to talk … EVER!

  8. Kids and vachinas. You gotta laugh.

    A friend recently overheard her four year old daughter saying, "I have a penis in this ear and a budgina in this ear."

    You have to wonder about the school system.

    Ahem.

  9. OMG!! That is hilarious.

    The other day I was getting out of the shower and 5 year old asks "Can you put on some pants so that I don't have to see the place where your penis would be if you were a boy?"

    Good times.

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