If you’ve read me here or on twitter for any length of time, you might know that I’m a little abrupt in the way I speak.
Ok, a lot abrupt.
I’m pretty much this way in person as well.
One of my favorite things to do is to take a conversation and go 180 with it.
There is one example here of a conversation I had during a voting season phone call
Last week I took my kids to a drive through. Pretty standard right?
Unless it’s me that drives up into your line.
At the end of the order they offered me dessert.
Drive through pie.
I say “Have you seen my ass?”
Them “Excuse me?”
Me “If you’ve seen my ass then you would know that I eat plenty of pie on my own, but thanks”
There was another time that the drive through person started with the following:
“Whthehh thesoi sheith slic,e scprr”
Me “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand a single word you just said”
Them “slleksh shskorii xiiht Flr prrrs”
Me “Flower Power?”
I just got a phone call tonight at almost 9pm.
They’re looking for someone who is between 12 and 44 years old. They let me know that they were from New York. I think I’m supposed to be impressed by this. I’m not.
I ask what for. They said to answer some questions. I ask how long it’s going to take.
They say 20-25 minutes.
(Insert me laughing hysterically here)
Me: “No really…”
NY: “I know, it’s a little long.”
Me: “Well what are they questions about?”
Me: Laughing again. “Television? laughing…. I watch four shows a week, I don’t even know that I could talk about television for 20 minutes. Unless it’s questions about the OC housewives because I think that Tamara probably needs therapy and that Alexis just might crack only having ONE nanny now, I mean how does she even survive a single day with one nanny. Oh, and Vicky? She’s still nuts. Surely her husband has a HUGE porn collection. I mean he just must. So is it about the OC housewives?”
NY: “No, it’s about sports.”
Me: SNORT LAUGHING. “I can’t even tell you what season it is. Is it baseball? Maybe not since it’s only 30 degrees out. I’m probably not the best person for this.”
NY: “Can we call back to talk to the man of the house?”
Me: “Sure, he can tell you all about America’s next top model and Chopped while he’s at it.
Think they’ll call back?
I hope so.
By then I’ll have watched Desperate Housewives.
Tonight at nearly the EXACT same time NY calls me again.
Except tonight? He has a southern accent.
He does his lines and I cut him off- “Hey, you’re calling to talk to me about TV sports aren’t you?”
SouthernNY “Why yes I am, that’s pretty good”
Me “Right? It’s almost like I should have MY OWN SHOW! I can go to people’s homes and replace their caller ID. When people call I’ll just tell them who it is and why they are calling. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be famous so right now you probably want my autograph right?”
SouthernNY “Well actually, I’ve got this survey…”
Me “Yeah, I don’t really feel like I’m in the mood for your survey unless you guys changed it to the OC Housewives since last night. You ever watch that because that is a show I’d like to talk to someone about.”
Southen NY “Um, no ma’am I don’t”
Me “Well now, that’s too bad because now there is some marketing genius going on. I mean every time I watch that show I have a craving for hair extensions. So how do I get my number off your list?”
Southern NY “Well, it’s randomly generated…”
Me “WOW, then you randomly generated me two nights in a row at the SAME TIME. How about not tonight and we’ll see tomorrow if I feel like doing your survey. Why don’t you put in a word about the Housewives thing for me”
Tomorrow? I’m going to talk Dora and Diego.